Special needs adoption from a Jewish perspective.

Special needs adoption from a Jewish perspective.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Calling out ableism

In the course of conversations, I occasionally get the opportunity to call out examples of casual able-ism.  Usually, when this happens, the other person will apologize and move on.  Yay!

In a recent conversation on Facebook, however, I came across someone who described a public personality as:

I just think he doesn't care one way or the other. He goes with whatever way the wind blows. Frankly, I think he is somewhere on the spectrum.

To which I responded:

Why did you use "on the spectrum" as a slur..?

The response showed a lack of understanding as to what I meant:

I didn't. I used it quite seriously. He seems disconnected. His affect is off. Galit, I am disturbed you drew the wrong conclusion about me.

So I explained:

Autism and ASD are not equivalent to apathy ("I just think he doesn't care one way or the other.") Nor do people on the spectrum typically "go with whatever way the wind blows."

Now the other person got really upset:

Galit, you know nothing about me and you are making slurs against ME. Go away.

Whoa!  Did I say anything that warranted that?  Did I say anything about the person I was conversing with?  Well, I tried to calm things down:

 I didn't claim to know anything about you, nor did I slur you. I do know something about autism. I understand that you might have made the statement you did out of a common misconception about the nature of autism. I am sorry if I touched a raw nerve for you with my comments. There is much prejudice around disability, even today, and I try to point it out when I see it come up in casual conversation. I don't want to hijack the thread, that's not what it is about. Peace.

Alas, peace was not to be had:

Galit, you lectured me. You made assumptions about me. And you are still doing so. Please go away.

==========================

Was I off base?  What do you think was going on?
(Obviously, I did not persist at this point, as any further attempts seemed pointless.)






Saturday, January 10, 2015

G*dcast for Shemot

Although I am not doing any weekly parsha blogging this year, I still follow the cycle as always.  Many other bloggers put out weekly essays or videos, and their insights vary from meh to enlightening.

This came in my newsfeed yesterday, starting the book of Exodus:



Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year!

I totally missed writing all of December.... Must've been busy or something. :-)

Well, I've discovered a new (to me) blog.  This post is an awesome analysis of religion from a non-religious point of view.  In spite of itself, it arrives at certain very religious conclusions....

"To me, complete rational logic tells me to be atheist about all of the Earth’s religions and utterly agnostic about the nature of our existence or the possible existence of a higher being."

Which dovetails nicely with this:

"Never confuse religion with God. I'm pointing at the moon, and you're staring at my finger."

Which I found as a response to this.

Happy New Year!!!









Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Context

We experience our life in a certain context.  The current turmoil over the Ferguson, MO events is occurring in a context where

  • Black people are more likely to be targeted by police because of racial profiling; but also
  • Black people are more likely to be involved in a crime because of the social impact of fatherlessness, poverty, poor educational opportunities and drugs

and also where

  • Police are in the front lines of dealing with the fallout from a broken society; but also
  • Police are over-militarized and under-trained; and
  • Police are bringing their own baggage to situations, which can easily escalate

In other words, the events which led to the death of Michael Brown are in the context of a long chain of events, where neither he nor Darren Wilson are either fully innocent or fully guilty.  It is society itself which must do the work of healing both racial injustice (both from within and without) and police brutality.

==========

Disability prejudice, likewise, exists in a societal context which devalues those who are seen to fall short.

This morning I followed this link, posted by the mother of a little girl with Down syndrome.  It is the story of a (different) mother who has just given birth after years of infertility treatments, several miscarriages, and the loss of newborn twins.  While most of the comments expressed congratulations for the birth and sympathy for the earlier losses, some were judgmental:
And not to be snarky, but what's wrong with adoption? Why do people feel such a strong need to have a biological child? If you have problems with fertility, maybe you should consider taking an unwanted child? Why go through all the heartache and expense, not to mention what it did to your body? Seems a little weird to me, that's all.
To which someone responded that this couple had in fact considered adoption, and linked to an earlier post, here.  Curious, I read this as well.  Turns out that their idea of adoption was the conventional desire for a "healthy newborn that looks like us," which generally involves a long, long wait and/or high expense (even while pouring both money and time into IVF).  As a young couple, it is reasonable for them to be hesitant about older-child adoption.  However, when I read this:

We decided that we were okay with certain physical problems (cleft lip/palate, blindness or deafness, missing limbs) but not others (Cerebral Palsy, etc). We also decided we are not okay with mental disabilities (Down’s Syndrome, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, etc). Sound selfish? Sure. We get that a lot, even from our closest friends and family. Of course we know that there are lots of older/special needs kids who need homes, and of course we know that those children are harder to place than healthy newborns. That doesn’t mean that taking an older and/or special needs kid is right for our family. Right now, our family needs a healthy baby. An older and/or special needs kid needs things that we just can’t provide.

I could not help but wonder about the thought process.  They had already dealt with extreme prematurity, in term of the twins they had lost.  The risk of brain damage and consequent Cerebral Palsy is very high in premature infants, and yet they persisted in pursuing high-risk pregnancies.  If they cannot provide "things" that a special needs kid needs, what would they have done if they had given birth to one?  For that matter, what if their beautiful, perfect baby is diagnosed next month with a special need that was not detected in utero?  What if she is in an accident that leaves her disabled?  What if she turns out to be autistic?   There are no guarantees. Could they "provide" for their child then?

That said, I am not judging her, nor would I post this as a comment on her page.  Her decision process was, as I said above, conventional.  It took place in the context of prevailing social attitudes about disability.  Social attitudes which are demonstrated by parents "grieving the diagnosis," whether it comes pre- or post-natally.  Where expectant parents smile and say "as long as it's healthy," without considering the implication of that statement for a baby who fails to meet that standard.

It is society which must change.  Just as we seek to create a society where individuals are not devalued on the basis of their race, we also should create a society where all children are valued, not judged as deficient according to arbitrary standards before they take their first breath.

Are you with me?






Saturday, November 22, 2014

Grateful for gratitude

As we approach Thanksgiving, many people share lists of things and people that they are grateful for, as well as high-minded sermons on the virtue of gratitude in general.

This is not that sermon.

In my last post, I reflected on the way praise can and should be given.  A corollary of people's reluctance to praise generously is the widespread tendency to deflect it when it is offered.  The same meme that informs us that "praise = insincerity" when we wish to compliment someone and hold back from full and generous praise leads us to assume that any compliments bestowed upon us cannot possibly be true.  And even if they are, that it would somehow be in poor form to accept them at face value.  So we deflect them:


  • "Oh, it was nothing."
  • "My part was really not that significant."
  • "There are still many problems to work out."


These seem like polite expressions of modesty, but they are not.  They are, in a mild way, a rejection of the goodwill of others.  We were offered a gift, and with these words, we have diminished it.  Rather, we should respond to compliments as we respond to any other gift:

"Thank you!"

Just as we are stingy with our praise, we are stingier still with our gratitude for the praise of others.

Please, in this season of gratitude, practice being grateful for all the expressions of praise, compliments, and general goodwill which you receive.  Say "thank you," and really take a minute to let the positive sentiment land.  Let it create a space of heightened self-esteem for yourself.  This is not vanity!  Instead, higher self-esteem will empower you to spread more goodness in the world.  Go ahead!  See yourself as a person who is deserving of praise!  Be the person that the praise says you are!

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Friday, November 21, 2014

In praise of praise

I've been thinking a lot about praise recently.

Most of us are habitually stingy with praise. The reasons vary from concern that "excessive" praise would cheapen it, to fear that it would make us look pathetic and fawning.  I think that these concerns stem from a few misunderstandings about the nature of praise.

One problem is our experience with insincere praise, otherwise known as flattery.  We have all had experience with people who will flatter us in order to manipulate.  A reputation for flattery is very unsavory.  Once we have a reputation for insincerity, our opinions - both positive and negative - will be discounted.

Another form of false praise can be a style of polite speech.  Someone who uses the language of praise in casual contexts may have a harder time differentiating actual praise.

Both of these problems are solved by praise which is specific and concrete.  Studies of child-rearing have shown that children who are given generic praise (e.g. you are so smart, or strong, or pretty) actually have lower self-esteem than those who are given specific, concrete praise:

  • "That was a hard math problem! You stuck with it and figured it out - I'm really impressed!"
  • "Wow! You carried all those heavy shopping bags in one trip!"
  • "That color really brings out you eyes!"

This does not stop being true after childhood.  General compliments, while nice, may be suspect on either of the grounds described above.  Specific, concrete praise, is grounded in reality and can therefore be internalized and affirmed by the recipient.

It takes an effort to give this kind of praise.  You have to really think about what it is that you are acknowledging. But praise done right will not land as insincere or excessive, and will not cheapen either the giver or the recipient.



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