Special needs adoption from a Jewish perspective.

Special needs adoption from a Jewish perspective.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Grateful for gratitude

As we approach Thanksgiving, many people share lists of things and people that they are grateful for, as well as high-minded sermons on the virtue of gratitude in general.

This is not that sermon.

In my last post, I reflected on the way praise can and should be given.  A corollary of people's reluctance to praise generously is the widespread tendency to deflect it when it is offered.  The same meme that informs us that "praise = insincerity" when we wish to compliment someone and hold back from full and generous praise leads us to assume that any compliments bestowed upon us cannot possibly be true.  And even if they are, that it would somehow be in poor form to accept them at face value.  So we deflect them:


  • "Oh, it was nothing."
  • "My part was really not that significant."
  • "There are still many problems to work out."


These seem like polite expressions of modesty, but they are not.  They are, in a mild way, a rejection of the goodwill of others.  We were offered a gift, and with these words, we have diminished it.  Rather, we should respond to compliments as we respond to any other gift:

"Thank you!"

Just as we are stingy with our praise, we are stingier still with our gratitude for the praise of others.

Please, in this season of gratitude, practice being grateful for all the expressions of praise, compliments, and general goodwill which you receive.  Say "thank you," and really take a minute to let the positive sentiment land.  Let it create a space of heightened self-esteem for yourself.  This is not vanity!  Instead, higher self-esteem will empower you to spread more goodness in the world.  Go ahead!  See yourself as a person who is deserving of praise!  Be the person that the praise says you are!

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Friday, November 21, 2014

In praise of praise

I've been thinking a lot about praise recently.

Most of us are habitually stingy with praise. The reasons vary from concern that "excessive" praise would cheapen it, to fear that it would make us look pathetic and fawning.  I think that these concerns stem from a few misunderstandings about the nature of praise.

One problem is our experience with insincere praise, otherwise known as flattery.  We have all had experience with people who will flatter us in order to manipulate.  A reputation for flattery is very unsavory.  Once we have a reputation for insincerity, our opinions - both positive and negative - will be discounted.

Another form of false praise can be a style of polite speech.  Someone who uses the language of praise in casual contexts may have a harder time differentiating actual praise.

Both of these problems are solved by praise which is specific and concrete.  Studies of child-rearing have shown that children who are given generic praise (e.g. you are so smart, or strong, or pretty) actually have lower self-esteem than those who are given specific, concrete praise:

  • "That was a hard math problem! You stuck with it and figured it out - I'm really impressed!"
  • "Wow! You carried all those heavy shopping bags in one trip!"
  • "That color really brings out you eyes!"

This does not stop being true after childhood.  General compliments, while nice, may be suspect on either of the grounds described above.  Specific, concrete praise, is grounded in reality and can therefore be internalized and affirmed by the recipient.

It takes an effort to give this kind of praise.  You have to really think about what it is that you are acknowledging. But praise done right will not land as insincere or excessive, and will not cheapen either the giver or the recipient.



Sunday, November 2, 2014

More on Lech-Lecha

Although I am not blogging the entire cycle this year (still waiting for suggestions on a good theme), I am still going to synagogue regularly and following the weekly parsha.  This week's parsha introduces the patriarch Abraham, as he is commanded to leave his home and go to the land which G*d will give to him and his descendants.

Many rabbinical discussions speculate on what distinguished Abraham to merit this call.  Some create legends out of whole cloth, suggesting that as a small child he saw the folly of idol worship.  Others see him as an adult, observing the world and concluding that there must be a Creator.  Some conclude that G*d calls each and every one of us, just as He called Adam in the Garden of Eden.  It is up to us to respond appropriately.

I have an edition of the Torah which breaks the text thematically rather than strictly along Parsha lines. This edition clued me in to a much more organic explanation of Abraham's prophetic encounter.  His childhood is not a total mystery, to be shrouded in legends.  The end of Parshat Noah gives some extensive detail:


כז  וְאֵלֶּה, תּוֹלְדֹת תֶּרַח--תֶּרַח הוֹלִיד אֶת-אַבְרָם, אֶת-נָחוֹר וְאֶת-הָרָן; וְהָרָן, הוֹלִיד אֶת-לוֹט.27 Now these are the generations of Terah. Terah begot Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begot Lot.
כח  וַיָּמָת הָרָן, עַל-פְּנֵי תֶּרַח אָבִיו, בְּאֶרֶץ מוֹלַדְתּוֹ, בְּאוּר כַּשְׂדִּים.28 And Haran died in the presence of his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.
כט  וַיִּקַּח אַבְרָם וְנָחוֹר לָהֶם, נָשִׁים:  שֵׁם אֵשֶׁת-אַבְרָם, שָׂרָי, וְשֵׁם אֵשֶׁת-נָחוֹר מִלְכָּה, בַּת-הָרָן אֲבִי-מִלְכָּה וַאֲבִי יִסְכָּה.29 And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.
ל  וַתְּהִי שָׂרַי, עֲקָרָה:  אֵין לָהּ, וָלָד.30 And Sarai was barren; she had no child.
לא  וַיִּקַּח תֶּרַח אֶת-אַבְרָם בְּנוֹ, וְאֶת-לוֹט בֶּן-הָרָן בֶּן-בְּנוֹ, וְאֵת שָׂרַי כַּלָּתוֹ, אֵשֶׁת אַבְרָם בְּנוֹ; וַיֵּצְאוּ אִתָּם מֵאוּר כַּשְׂדִּים, לָלֶכֶת אַרְצָה כְּנַעַן, וַיָּבֹאוּ עַד-חָרָן, וַיֵּשְׁבוּ שָׁם.31 And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran, his son's son, and Sarai his daughter-in-law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there.
לב  וַיִּהְיוּ יְמֵי-תֶרַח, חָמֵשׁ שָׁנִים וּמָאתַיִם שָׁנָה; וַיָּמָת תֶּרַח, בְּחָרָן. 32 And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years; and Terah died in Haran.

What do we know here? Abraham (then Abram) was the eldest of three sons.  His youngest brother Haran died as a young father, leaving behind a son (Lot) and two daughters (Milcah and Iscah).  Does Abram feel any guilt in this?  As the eldest, does he feel responsible for the tragedy, or for its consequences? His middle brother marries his niece Milcah and (as we learn later) has 8 children with her, as well as 4 children by a concubine.  In the meantime Abram marries his (as we later learn) half-sister Sarai, who turns out to be barren.

In the midst of all this, his aging father decides to uproot from the city of Ur and head towards Canaan.  (Did he have a divine call in this?  What did this trip mean to the father, who had buried his youngest son?)  He takes with him his childless son and daughter-in-law, as well as his orphaned grandson Lot.  Abram and Sarai develop a sort of foster-parenting relationship with Lot.  Nahor and his large clan are left behind. How does this impact Abram?  Disconnected from his familiar town, his friends, and his remaining brother and his family.

Terah, Abram, Sarai and Lot never do arrive in Canaan.  They stop in Haran. In Hebrew this is spelled differently than the deceased brother's name, although this could be a transcription error, as the letters חָ and הָ are quite similar. It may well be that they named their stopping-point in his memory.  Why do they stop?  How does Terah feel about not making it to Canaan?  How does Abram feel about this?

It is in this context that Abram hear's G*d's call:

א  וַיֹּאמֶר יְהוָה אֶל-אַבְרָם, לֶךְ-לְךָ מֵאַרְצְךָ וּמִמּוֹלַדְתְּךָ וּמִבֵּית אָבִיךָ, אֶל-הָאָרֶץ, אֲשֶׁר אַרְאֶךָּ.1 Now the LORD said unto Abram: 'Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto the land that I will show thee.
ב  וְאֶעֶשְׂךָ, לְגוֹי גָּדוֹל, וַאֲבָרֶכְךָ, וַאֲגַדְּלָה שְׁמֶךָ; וֶהְיֵה, בְּרָכָה.2 And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and be thou a blessing.
ג  וַאֲבָרְכָה, מְבָרְכֶיךָ, וּמְקַלֶּלְךָ, אָאֹר; וְנִבְרְכוּ בְךָ, כֹּל מִשְׁפְּחֹת הָאֲדָמָה.3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and him that curseth thee will I curse; and in thee shall all the families of the earth be blessed.'
ד  וַיֵּלֶךְ אַבְרָם, כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר אֵלָיו יְהוָה, וַיֵּלֶךְ אִתּוֹ, לוֹט; וְאַבְרָם, בֶּן-חָמֵשׁ שָׁנִים וְשִׁבְעִים שָׁנָה, בְּצֵאתוֹ, מֵחָרָן.4 So Abram went, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him; and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
ה  וַיִּקַּח אַבְרָם אֶת-שָׂרַי אִשְׁתּוֹ וְאֶת-לוֹט בֶּן-אָחִיו, וְאֶת-כָּל-רְכוּשָׁם אֲשֶׁר רָכָשׁוּ, וְאֶת-הַנֶּפֶשׁ, אֲשֶׁר-עָשׂוּ בְחָרָן; וַיֵּצְאוּ, לָלֶכֶת אַרְצָה כְּנַעַן, וַיָּבֹאוּ, אַרְצָה כְּנָעַן.5 And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.

G*d's promise does not come in a vacuum.  G*d is promising to make right everything that went wrong in Abram's life.  He will have progeny, he will be a blessing rather than a curse to others (still feeling guilty about his little brother....) and he will complete his father's mission by arriving in Canaan.

This, indeed, is a person with whom we can identify!  Living through personal loss and disconnection, Abram sees in the divine an opportunity for deliverance.  He seeks to create a meaning for his life that is greater than the everyday details of his existence.  He has made a good living in Haran, but he is not settled.  He needs more.  He needs validation that there is a meaning and value to his losses.

And then G*d speaks to him.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

31 for 21 - Talking with children

Children have very few prejudices (not having had a chance to learn too many yet), and have no filter or guile about those prejudices which they have absorbed.  In talking with children, we can learn what we have inadvertently taught them, for good or bad.  Such conversations are excellent mirrors to hold up to ourselves.  Perhaps we think nothing of using foul language, until we hear it echoed from the mouths of our offspring. Or we don't realize ways in which we stereotype others, until our filter-free kiddos say something that makes us cringe.  Conversely, how lovely it is when our children think it completely natural to speak politely, offer sincere compliments, and share freely, because this is the behavior they see modeled in the home.

http://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/learn-kids-talking-disability/story?id=26480369





Thursday, October 9, 2014

31 for 21 - siblings

This is a blog I don't usually read, but this time I did, and I thought it was very nicely done.  Enjoy!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Haftorah Beam - Eikev

When I read the Haftorah for this week's reading at shul on Saturday, a theme that jumped out at me was Motherhood.  There are three references to it: at the beginning, middle and end.

First, we read:

49:14 Zion says,"The Lord has forsaken me,My Lord has forgotten me."15 Can a woman forget her baby,Or disown the child of her womb?Though she might forget,I never could forget you.

Later on,

50:1 Thus said the Lord:Where is the bill of divorceOf your mother whom I dismissed?And which of My creditors was itTo whom I sold you off?You were only sold off for your sins,And your mother dismissed for your crimes.

And finally,

51:2 Look back to Abraham your fatherAnd to Sarah who brought you forth.For he was only one when I called him,But I blessed him and made him many.

While G*d begins by proclaiming His love for us to be more steadfast than a mother's love for her child, He seems quite callous in casting away a mother on account of her children's transgressions.  Seems the mother is actually sticking by her kids, through good and bad, while G*d is prone to rejecting those who fall short. This is resolved in the final excerpt, where the Matriarch Sarah is cited. "But I blessed him and made him many," -- Sarah herself IS the blessing.  Motherhood IS the link to G*d's love for us. Even when we feel rejected, looking back to our ancestors (both distant and recent), we can reconnect with our Source.




Thursday, June 26, 2014

Haftorah Beam - Nasso

OK, back to work!

The Torah portion for Nasso includes the laws of the Nazir, and the Haftorah recounts the story of one of the most famous Nazirim, Samson.

Most of the text pertains to the preparations undertaken by Samson's parents, from the announcement by the angel to the mother-to-be:
"You are barren and have borne no children; but you shall conceive and bear a son. 4 Now be careful not to drink wine or other intoxicant, or to eat anything unclean. 5 For you are going to conceive and bear a son; let no razor touch his head, for the boy is to be a nazirite to God from the womb on. He shall be the first to deliver Israel from the Philistines."

She repeats this announcement to her husband, who disbelieves her, and entreats G*d to send the messenger again.  The angel reappears, and repeats the same instructions.  When the angel refuses a reward for these news, the man becomes suspicious:
 17 So Manoah said to the angel of the Lord, "What is your name? We should like to honor you when your words come true." 18 The angel said to him, "You must not ask for my name; it is unknowable!"

Manoah and his wife proceed to offer a sacrifice to G*d, which is consumed (accepted).  Even then, Manoah fears the implications, only to be reassured by his wife:
22 And Manoah said to his wife, "We shall surely die, for we have seen a divine being." 23 But his wife said to him, "Had the Lord meant to take our lives, He would not have accepted a burnt offering and meal offering from us, nor let us see all these things; and He would not have made such an announcement to us."

And she, in fact, has the last word:
24 The woman bore a son, and she named him Samson. The boy grew up, and the Lord blessed him.
This mother, who is never named, understood what was going on at each stage. It would have been so easy to get frustrated with Manoah and his insistence on second-guessing her.  But she did not do that.  She patiently supported him in seeking additional information from the angel, and reassured him without belittling his concerns.  She was truly an Eshet Chayil.


Sunday, March 2, 2014

Wrong

It is so easy, when trying to convince someone of our position, to fall into the language of "right" and "wrong".  Clearly, we believe that our position is "right" and the other is "wrong".  However, that language easily slips from an assessment of facts to a moral/ethical judgement of "Right" vs. "Wrong".  Thinking about this recently reminded me of the following scene from the movie "Wreck-It Ralph", about a video-game villain who wishes to be loved rather than hated:



Just because I think you are wrong, doesn't mean I have to think you are Wrong.


Sunday, February 2, 2014

Haftorah Beam - Terumah

I seem to have missed blogging about this Torah portion last year.....  It deals with the collection of funds and materials for the Tabernacle, as well as instructions for its construction.

The Haftorah portion for this week is skipped because it is the beginning of the month of Adar, so we read the Rosh Hodesh Haftorah instead, which I've already blogged about.  So technically I can flake out on this one....  but I'll make an effort anyway.

This commentary emphasizes the need to focus on the internal devotion more than the external trappings of religious observance.  I was drawn to this verse (1 Kings 6:7):

וְהַבַּיִת, בְּהִבָּנֹתוֹ--אֶבֶן-שְׁלֵמָה מַסָּע, נִבְנָה; וּמַקָּבוֹת וְהַגַּרְזֶן כָּל-כְּלִי בַרְזֶל, לֹא-נִשְׁמַע בַּבַּיִת בְּהִבָּנֹתוֹ.7 For the house, when it was in building, was built of stone made ready at the quarry; and there was neither hammer nor axe nor any tool of iron heard in the house, while it was in building.--

The stones were prepared at the quarry, so that no sounds of violence and destruction would be heard at the actual construction site.  This seems to me a metaphor for the preparation we make for doing sacred work. The axes and hammers are necessary.  Conflict and strife, pain and struggle, are often necessary in order to build the sanctuary of our souls, and to construct a perfected world (Tikkun Olam). However, we should take care to work our way through it "in the quarry", so that it does not detract from the sacred work itself.

With respect to this blog, it seems to connect to the preparation that we must do to welcome an orphaned and/or disabled child into our home.  There is often doubt and ambivalence, fear and resentment, when anticipating the needs of such a child. We owe it to the child and to ourselves to work through all these issues ahead of time -- in the quarry -- so that the child is welcomed into an edifice built of whole stones  "אֶבֶן-שְׁלֵמָה".

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Counter-intuitive

How often in life to we need to take what feels like a step back in order to move forward?  A few months ago I wrote about my experience as a teen learning to rock-climb, when I realized that in order to climb up the cliff I had to lean back - hard - and no, I will not fall.

I had a similar experience in my twenties, when I tried my hand in hang-gliding.



In order to launch and become airborne, we were instructed to run full speed down the hill - with 50 lbs. of equipment securely strapped to our backs. At the very moment that your vestibular system tells you that you are about to fall down head first - at that moment the glider's lift catches you. In fact, listening to your body would have you lean back to block your descent - precisely causing you to fall down.

A few years later, when I gave birth to my third child, I experienced this effect again.  Pushing the baby out would seem to require a supreme exertion: "Push, push!" we stereotypically tell a birthing mom. This, however, is misleading.  Attempting to do so literally results in clenching the entire abdomen - including the cervix, which needs to relax in order to allow the baby to exit. Much better is the midwifery advice to "breathe your baby out".  Relaxing the lower muscles allow the higher muscles to work more efficiently, with less effort.

Now I have 5 children.  I am frequently met with incredulity. "How can you do that?"  My stock answer is that it is actually easier with 5 than with 2. Parents of small families tend to be a lot more anxious about control issues.  As the family grows, we acquire some amount of wisdom and some amount of just letting go.  Letting go of control, like relaxing muscles that don't need to "push", allows the parents (like the uterus) to work more efficiently and with less effort.

When do our instincts give us good guidance, and when do we need to do the counter-intuitive thing and get our over-thinking out of the way of doing things right?


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Haftorah Beam - VaYigash

This is my wedding anniversary parsha.  I really can't think of it as anything else.

The Haftorah is so appropriate for a wedding. We picked the wedding date based on our scheduling constraints, but the theme of both the Torah and Haftorah reading -- family reunification in the former, and national reunification in the latter -- is a great metaphor for the joining of the 2 families.


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Thanksgivukkah

We spent Thanksgiving (and the first half of Hanukkah) with my in-laws at their new home.  It was lovely, and we miss not having them nearby anymore.  We did get to use the Menurkey:


We got the plaster version. It came plain like that, but we did paint it while we were there. I will edit this post when my darling husband sends me a picture of the painted final product.... (hint, hint....)

We were having so much fun feeding chickens and going Black Friday shopping (when you have teenage girls, you do that...) that I didn't get any blogging done.  Hope to catch up this week! (Egads, it's Tuesday already!)



Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Monsters

There is a stereotype in some of the popular literature of the adopted "monster child".  The child who becomes violent and destructive and destroys the family which has taken him/her in.  The child who seemed so innocent and lovable, but turned out to be a psychopath.

-But what if, what if, what if you adopt a kid and he turns out to be a big, RAD, monster kid?  What if he screams and tantrums and poops on the floor and hits me and the other kids and destroys our life?  What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

This stereotype is based on the experience of parents with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Adopted children have invariably gone through some kind of trauma -- or they would still be with their birth parents!  They need great stability in order to heal from this trauma.  In the process, they do much more testing of their parents than bio-kids -- who certainly do their share of parent-testing!  The more abuse, neglect, disrupted placements and other trauma these children have gone through, the harder it is for them to trust and attach.  This does not make them monsters.  It makes them hurt kids.  Parents need to be cognizant of their needs in order to address them.  Younger children in the home (if any) need to be protected.  Parents need to be psychologically prepared for the extreme testing and not take it personally.  This is all very hard.  But they are still just hurt children.  Just as if they were suffering from a physical injury and we would patiently help them regain function, so do RAD children suffer from emotional injury which requires lots and lots of patience and hard work to regain the emotional competency that most people take for granted.

-Monster kids are not real, so you shouldn't be afraid of them. But even if he does turn out to be a big, RAD monster kid, maybe he wouldn't destroy our life.  Maybe we would protect him and the other kids from his scary and scared feelings, and give him the kind of stability that he needs so badly, so that he would have the space to learn to give and receive love.
-Are you sure?
-Yes, I'm sure.

(adapted from Pookie and Tushka Find a Little Piano)


Saturday, October 5, 2013

31 4 21 Heaven on Earth

On the way to the park, my 5-year-old said, "We can touch the sky!"

I asked, "How can we do that? Isn't the sky too high?"

And he answered, "No, because we are on the Earth."

I thought about this, and understood that he is realizing that the atmosphere comes all the way down to the ground.  So of course, the "sky" begins right here where we are.

So if you think about it like that, there is no distinction between saying, "G*d is in Heaven" or "G*d is all around us".  It's the same thing!  Heaven begins right here on Earth.

About a month ago, we read in Deuteronomy,

יא  כִּי הַמִּצְוָה הַזֹּאת, אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי מְצַוְּךָ הַיּוֹם--לֹא-נִפְלֵאת הִוא מִמְּךָ, וְלֹא רְחֹקָה הִוא.11 For this commandment which I command thee this day, it is not too hard for thee, neither is it far off.
יב  לֹא בַשָּׁמַיִם, הִוא:  לֵאמֹר, מִי יַעֲלֶה-לָּנוּ הַשָּׁמַיְמָה וְיִקָּחֶהָ לָּנוּ, וְיַשְׁמִעֵנוּ אֹתָהּ, וְנַעֲשֶׂנָּה.12 It is not in heaven, that thou shouldest say: 'Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it unto us, and make us to hear it, that we may do it?'
יג  וְלֹא-מֵעֵבֶר לַיָּם, הִוא:  לֵאמֹר, מִי יַעֲבָר-לָנוּ אֶל-עֵבֶר הַיָּם וְיִקָּחֶהָ לָּנוּ, וְיַשְׁמִעֵנוּ אֹתָהּ, וְנַעֲשֶׂנָּה.13 Neither is it beyond the sea, that thou shouldest say: 'Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it unto us, and make us to hear it, that we may do it?'
יד  כִּי-קָרוֹב אֵלֶיךָ הַדָּבָר, מְאֹד:  בְּפִיךָ וּבִלְבָבְךָ, לַעֲשֹׂתוֹ. 14 But the word is very nigh unto thee, in thy mouth, and in thy heart, that thou mayest do it.

Spirituality is not distant, esoteric, or distinct from our earthly existence.  It is a contiguous part of it, just as the air we breathe -- in our mouths and in our hearts.




Tuesday, October 1, 2013

31 4 21 Boston Sardine Tour

I love my minivan.

My aunt and uncle are traveling around the US with a bunch of HIGH SCHOOL buddies (we are talking people in their 60's), and they made a 1-day stop in my neck of the woods. They wanted me to show them around town.

I have an 8-seater Chevy Venture. There were 8 of them. Plus me.

After some consideration of the various alternatives, we decided to try piling all of them into my car. Amazingly, it worked. I drove them all over in a quick survey of the major sites, and apparently they had a blast. They never did get a chance to take a ride on the Boston Duck Tours. But at least they had the Boston Sardine Tour.



Wednesday, September 11, 2013

A sad and happy day

I remember 9/11/01.

 I dropped my 7-year-old off at school, and took the toddler and the baby to the store. There was muzak playing in the supermarket, and I took a leisurely time doing my shopping (as leisurely as one can get with a toddler and a baby...) On my way home my cellphone rang. It was my parents (who live in NYC). I tried to pick up but the line was dead. I tried to call back but couldn't.

 I came home, and S____ said, "Get to a radio/tv right away." I did, but at that point they were covering the happenings at the Pentagon. It was all so confusing. I kept trying to reach my parents. I had no idea if they were OK. We did not know if there were any chemical or biological weapons involved (they live less than a mile from the WTC). After school, we had to deal with a confused 7-year-old as well. Eventually my parents were able to contact me and let me know that they were OK. All through the day we heard from friends who were ALMOST there, or who had other friends who were less lucky....

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 I remember 9/11/08.

 I had been in pre-labor for several days, with my 4th child, the first child of my 2nd marriage. Finally, at 3am, we drove to the birth center and I was finally admitted. All through the night my husband helped me work through back labor. In the morning, the big kids came, with my mother and my best friend. Just before noon, he arrived, a healthy baby boy. He is looking forward to his strawberry/vanilla birthday cake. With an American flag on top.

Monday, August 26, 2013

A good person

Ableism.... We value abilities. In ourselves, in our children, in our civilization.  We take pride in accomplishment, in reaching new heights.

As I have discussed last week, this is true even for people with disabilities. Parents of developmentally delayed children gush about how much more intensely milestones are celebrated in proportion to the struggle to achieve them. We hail the trailblazers who accomplish great things in spite of disabilities and hardships.

But at some point in raising our children, usually when they are one-upping each other, we take them aside and tell them that it is more important to be good than smart/strong/first/etc.  It is more important to show each other grace, compassion and kindness than to "win" this or that contest.

Do we really mean that?

How often are people truly able to value the good person over the successful person?  As a spouse?  As a friend?

How often do we, by our very attitude, undermine that sentiment to our own children, when we emphasize measurable accomplishments while taking good behavior for granted or handing out only muted praise?  How often do we ourselves model grace and compassion to our children?

Do we really mean that?

Next week is Rosh Hashanah.  The ten Days of Awe will culminate in Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. It is traditionally a time of soul searching, seeking to repair our relationships both with G*d and with our fellow man. Let us examine what we truly value, both in others and in ourselves.

Let us recalibrate our yardstick by which we measure personal worth.


Saturday, August 17, 2013

Ethical Risk

After Shabbat dinner with my Israeli aunts, uncles and cousins (and assorted children), we had a lively conversation on a variety of topics, ranging from politics to child rearing, from gluten-free cooking to history and speculations about Armageddon.

One of my cousins was recounting his personal experience in the Israeli army, hunting down terrorists who were using "human shields".   That is, instead of protecting civilians from the risk of being caught in the crossfire by providing shelters away from the fighting, they shoot at the Israeli soldiers from populated civilian homes and neighborhoods, often specifically surrounding themselves with civilians. My cousin explained that any other army in the world would consider it acceptable wartime ethics to call out on a loudspeaker that all civilians should evacuate the premises, and then bomb the $#%& out of the buildings involved.  Not so the IDF. My cousin and his peers were required - by Israeli rules of engagement - to enter the buildings and pick out the targeted individuals while sparing civilians.  Mind you that these targeted terrorists are not uniformed soldiers, but guerrillas who are dressed in civilian attire (except for the automatic weapons they are carrying), and often wear masks or keffiyehs over their faces to obscure their identities.  Fighting under these circumstances inevitably results in greater Israeli casualties, but the Israeli army considers this risk worth the civilian lives which are saved - even enemy civilians!

Once again: Standard Israeli policy is that saving enemy civilian life warrants risking the lives of Israeli soldiers.

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How many children with disabilities are dying of malnutrition and lack of medical care around the world, not because they have ever threatened anyone, but merely because their lives are not considered valuable by the societies into which they were born?

Is there a risk associated with adopting such children? Is there a risk associated with volunteering with organizations that seek to improve conditions in the orphanages?  Is there a risk associated with working to bring about social change, so that people with disabilities are seen as equal members of the human race?

Yes, there are risks associated with taking a stand for something.  That risk may be as mild as the foregone opportunities for personal advancement, or as severe as long-term negative impact on one's family.  Yes, these are risks, which must not be ignored!  But can they be compared to the risk an Israeli soldier assumes when he goes into battle, putting his own life on the line to protect, not just his own countrymen, but the civilians on the other side, who are (voluntarily or under duress) harboring the very terrorists he is fighting? Not even remotely!

Now I am certainly not saying that we should seek to live our lives on the level of heroism practiced by Israeli soldiers (who, after all that, are almost universally vilified as war criminals!).  But the ethical principles which drive the policy of putting vulnerable lives ahead of our own, taking on risks when we are able to in order to save those who are not able to save themselves, are ones which we can and should apply to our civilian lives.

How can we ask our soldiers to risk their lives for something that we are not even willing to risk material losses or temporary discomfort?



Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Vacation highlights

We spent 2 weeks at our new vacation home in northeast Ohio.  My husband has some family there, so we find ourselves going there often enough that having our own place makes sense.  I've been having fun scouring Craigslist for some amazing deals, taking 3-mile runs by Lake Erie, and watching my kids get to know their cousins.

One cousin was graduating High School.  I remember meeting her soon after my husband and I married.  She was a cute little chubby girl.  Now she is tall and stunningly beautiful, and heading off to college!

Another cousin had her second baby while we were there!  We all overdosed on awesome newborn sweetness.  My 13-year-old composed a lullaby just for her.

Another cousin had a birthday.

We celebrated the 4th of July.... sort of.  Got rained out of any possibility of a barbecue. Too rainy to go see fireworks.  But the fireworks, mixed with the thunderstorms, sure made it hard to get the littles to sleep!

One of my craigslist finds brought me very close to JEllen's House of Fabric, where I said hi to Sarah Ely and browsed some lovely quilting fabrics.  Unfortunately, I've never gotten into quilting.  But I did buy my 4-year-old a little tie.  He loves dressing formal.

And yet another cousin - whom we met at the graduation party - told us all about her latest project.  She and her fiance helped found an activity center for adults with developmental disabilities near Columbus, OH.  She invited us to come see it, and we made a day trip down there.  Wow. Just wow.  The love and dedication that was apparent was truly inspiring.

Oh, and just to top it all off, on the way back we stopped in upstate NY at the birthday party of yet another cousin.  Lots and lots and lots of kids!

And now we are home.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Looking back, looking forward

My oldest is heading to a summer internship, followed by a semester abroad.  Halfway through college, she knows what she wants to study and has some idea of how she will use her education in the future.  She has good friends and is carrying the mantle of adulthood very nicely.  I am so very proud of her.

My second just graduated elementary school (8th grade).  She has grown tremendously in the last couple of years, and has been accepted into an academically rigorous high school, apart from the friends she has been with since kindergarten.  She has picked classes for next year, taking on some very challenging coursework. Her summer will be filled with exciting adventures, but nothing compared to the 4-year adventure which awaits her in September.  I am so very proud of her.

My third is heading into her final year of elementary school.  This year she had her Bat Mitzvah, which was a tremendous commitment and growth experience for her.  She also made great progress in her cello studies, has a great group of friends, and has definite ambitions for the future.  Not only does she know where she wants to go for high school (and has begun preparing for the application process) but she knows where she wants to go to college, what she wants to study, and where she wants to live when she grows up......  She is growing into a serious young woman, and I am so very proud of her.

My fourth is just missing kindergarten cutoff this year, so I will be homeschooling him. I will be supplementing that with an Israeli playgroup and children's theater (continued from this year) as well as gymnastics and math. He is now reading EVERYTHING, in both Hebrew and English.  He loves learning songs, and memorizes movie soundtracks.  He is also a loving and lovable little boy who is sensitive to others' needs and a great big brother, too.  I am so very proud of him.

My fifth and youngest is my firecracker.  In many ways he is so babyish, but he wants to do everything his big brother does.  Physically he is incredibly strong and coordinated, already learning to do the monkey bars in the playground at age 3.  After hardly saying anything until he was almost 2 years old, in the past year his speech has grown in leaps and bounds (in both English and Hebrew) and he loves to act out movie dialogues together with his brother.  His imagination is delightful, and his laughter is irresistable.  Absolutely fearless, he tries to train the dog (who is several pounds bigger than him) -- and she listens to him!  Bright and sparkly, he has a strong personality and a mind of his own. Next year he will start a couple of activities -- a weekly Israeli playgroup and gymnastics. I am so very proud of him.

I love my family!


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