My ex-MIL put me in touch with a woman she knows who adopted 2 boys from Russia almost 20 years ago. I had a good long conversation with her, about what her experiences were. These boys were supposedly "typical" -- no special needs in their files. They were 2 and 3 years old at the time of the adoption, and they both showed extreme developmental delays, both in growth and in milestones reached. She had no biological children, so this was not only her introduction to adoption, but her first experience with parenting.
I think that the home-study agencies do a much better job today of preparing parents for the kind of delays that adopted children have. Her agency apparently led her to believe that the kids will pretty much just "adjust" and catch up with minimal intervention. Not! She expected the adjustment to be 1-2 years, but says that it took far longer.
There are some who would say that with 5 kids (4 at home) that I have my hands full, and should not take on any more children, especially a child with special needs and institutional delays. On the other hand, I think that my experience with parenting makes me far better prepared for this task than a first-time parent would be.
What do you think?
Showing posts with label adoption process. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption process. Show all posts
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Secular Humanism, Take 2
Let me try again. Perhaps I am approaching this the wrong way. After all, I don't want to convince Secular Humanists and Atheists that there is no reason for them to pursue special needs adoption. I want to convince them that it is a good idea, even without religion.
I suppose I would probably start by showing this video. Or perhaps this one. Accompanied by the statistics, explaining how children born with special needs are generally neglected and malnourished, and their life expectancy is usually in the teens.
I could then link to various stories of transformation when these children, often in dismal condition, are adopted and loved unconditionally by families who are committed to seeing them as beautiful, capable, and full of potential. Yes, most of those families would say "created in G*d's image", but it means the same thing, no..?
Would that be motivating enough? Would that inspire someone to take on the paperwork, the expense, the unknown difficulties of adjusting to life with an adopted child with special needs? Would a family be able to continue seeing this child as "beautiful, capable and full of potential" if the transformation is slow in coming? If the child's health deteriorates, or she dies, would they be able to still continue and rescue other children?
Now, I know that even many "religious" families of all persuasions are held back by considerations such as these. But it seems as though faith can be a pathway to overcoming them. If you are not religious, what would it take to inspire you?
I suppose I would probably start by showing this video. Or perhaps this one. Accompanied by the statistics, explaining how children born with special needs are generally neglected and malnourished, and their life expectancy is usually in the teens.
I could then link to various stories of transformation when these children, often in dismal condition, are adopted and loved unconditionally by families who are committed to seeing them as beautiful, capable, and full of potential. Yes, most of those families would say "created in G*d's image", but it means the same thing, no..?
Would that be motivating enough? Would that inspire someone to take on the paperwork, the expense, the unknown difficulties of adjusting to life with an adopted child with special needs? Would a family be able to continue seeing this child as "beautiful, capable and full of potential" if the transformation is slow in coming? If the child's health deteriorates, or she dies, would they be able to still continue and rescue other children?
Now, I know that even many "religious" families of all persuasions are held back by considerations such as these. But it seems as though faith can be a pathway to overcoming them. If you are not religious, what would it take to inspire you?
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Olympic standard?
So I was talking with my husband tonight, and he was sharing a conversation he had earlier with a friend. He realized that part of his trepidation is that in all the stories I have been sharing with him about adoptive families, these people seem like "saints". He said, "It's like you ask me to run a 4-minute mile and you tell me that all these Olympic athletes do it, so I can too, and it feels like an unrealistic standard."
So we talked, about what it was like to have 5 kids. After all, most people who know us think that is way over the top. And we agreed that while each kid adds some amount of stress, we had time to adjust to a new normal at each step.
"But isn't an adopted child with special needs a whole level beyond that?"
Depends what your expectation is. I think that if you expect it to be analogous to a newborn, then those expectations will be met or exceeded. A newborn arrives with unknown medical needs. A newborn requires frequent check-ups. A newborn does not sleep through the night, eat solid foods, or interact in an intelligible fashion. A newborn will not be mobile for 6-8 months, will not walk or talk for 12-18 months, and will not be potty trained for 2-3 years. Your average adopted child with special needs will beat at least some of those milestones. With this situation, as with an ordinary newborn, a new normal will be found.
So we talked, about what it was like to have 5 kids. After all, most people who know us think that is way over the top. And we agreed that while each kid adds some amount of stress, we had time to adjust to a new normal at each step.
"But isn't an adopted child with special needs a whole level beyond that?"
Depends what your expectation is. I think that if you expect it to be analogous to a newborn, then those expectations will be met or exceeded. A newborn arrives with unknown medical needs. A newborn requires frequent check-ups. A newborn does not sleep through the night, eat solid foods, or interact in an intelligible fashion. A newborn will not be mobile for 6-8 months, will not walk or talk for 12-18 months, and will not be potty trained for 2-3 years. Your average adopted child with special needs will beat at least some of those milestones. With this situation, as with an ordinary newborn, a new normal will be found.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Another baby step!
Our letter of intent has just been received and approved by the appropriate Ministry in............ So now they have a file open for us. Yay! Now we just have to get that home study done, and get all those documents assembled, translated, apostilled etc...
Friday, July 20, 2012
Baby steps!
1. Had our first home-study meeting. Got a stack of paperwork to fill. The little boys behaved beautifully for nearly 2 hours! The social worker was quite impressed with them.
2. Spoke with a representative of Cherish Our Children about their facilitation services in Serbia. We are optimistic that this will work for us. If not, our agency does facilitate Russian adoptions, but those are far more expensive.
2. Spoke with a representative of Cherish Our Children about their facilitation services in Serbia. We are optimistic that this will work for us. If not, our agency does facilitate Russian adoptions, but those are far more expensive.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Application received!
She was concerned that we indicated that we want to adopt a child out of birth order, but seemed ok with it when I said we are specifically thinking of a child with Down syndrome, so that developmentally he would not be out of order to my younger children.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Amidah - Part 4 - Wisdom
In part 4 of the Amidah, we ask for guidance in matters of Wisdom, Knowledge and Understanding:
You graciously bestow knowledge upon man and teach mortals understanding. Graciously bestow upon us from You, wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Blessed are You L-rd, who graciously bestows knowledge.
I have used this to pray for my children when they struggle with school, or when they need to acquire wisdom and sensitivity. And for myself, for the same reasons....
Last week we told my 12- and 13-year olds about our intention to adopt a child with Down syndrome. The 13 year old is dead set against it. The 12 year old is fine with it -- she gets why we would want to do this -- but really, really wants it to be a girl, not a boy.
Please pray for both of them to gain the wisdom, understanding and knowledge they will need as we move forward with this.
You graciously bestow knowledge upon man and teach mortals understanding. Graciously bestow upon us from You, wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Blessed are You L-rd, who graciously bestows knowledge.
I have used this to pray for my children when they struggle with school, or when they need to acquire wisdom and sensitivity. And for myself, for the same reasons....
Last week we told my 12- and 13-year olds about our intention to adopt a child with Down syndrome. The 13 year old is dead set against it. The 12 year old is fine with it -- she gets why we would want to do this -- but really, really wants it to be a girl, not a boy.
Please pray for both of them to gain the wisdom, understanding and knowledge they will need as we move forward with this.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Complex Ethical Decisions - Which program?
A few days ago I considered the question of "How to decide how to allocate charity money?" on the level of adoption vs. in-country help. Today I am struggling with a related question. Having agreed with my husband to begin the process of a special-needs adoption (Yay!) we must decide how to proceed.
Russia:
Pros: Many available children; Our home-study agency has a program there; Lots of available info; Travel is in shorter chunks; Russian is spoken in our community
Cons: VERY expensive; Unstable program due to tensions between Russia and USA; Did I mention EXPENSIVE?
Ukraine:
Pros: Easier travel than Russia in terms of distances; Great need!; Somewhat cheaper than Russia; Faster process; Russian is spoken in our community
Cons: Can't officially pre-select a child based on photolisting; Travel takes 1-2 months!
Bulgaria:
Pros: Easier travel than Russia in terms of distances; Need varies -- some orphanages are decent, others are abysmal; Cheaper than Russia; Easier travel in terms of number of trips, and only 1 parent has to travel
Cons: Process is sometimes very long to referral?
Serbia:
Pros: Much cheaper!; Much smaller country -- easier travel; Quicker referral
Cons: Very little info before the referral; Very few children; Travel takes 3 weeks in-country for both parents
Right now we are planning to look into Serbia first. If we can get a good match, then that would probably be the easiest to manage. If that seems to dead-end, we would probably bite the bullet financially and go with Russia, so our agency can help us. We were told that we can change the country once on the USCIS forms.
On the one hand, the Serbian orphans need families just as much as the Russian ones, so a cheaper, faster process would make it easier to bring one home and fulfill that need. On the other hand, the Russian orphans are not at fault that government regulations on both sides of the pond make it so BLIPping hard to save them. If we have the resources to help them, then why discriminate?
How do you choose which needy child(ren) to help?
Russia:
Pros: Many available children; Our home-study agency has a program there; Lots of available info; Travel is in shorter chunks; Russian is spoken in our community
Cons: VERY expensive; Unstable program due to tensions between Russia and USA; Did I mention EXPENSIVE?
Ukraine:
Pros: Easier travel than Russia in terms of distances; Great need!; Somewhat cheaper than Russia; Faster process; Russian is spoken in our community
Cons: Can't officially pre-select a child based on photolisting; Travel takes 1-2 months!
Bulgaria:
Pros: Easier travel than Russia in terms of distances; Need varies -- some orphanages are decent, others are abysmal; Cheaper than Russia; Easier travel in terms of number of trips, and only 1 parent has to travel
Cons: Process is sometimes very long to referral?
Serbia:
Pros: Much cheaper!; Much smaller country -- easier travel; Quicker referral
Cons: Very little info before the referral; Very few children; Travel takes 3 weeks in-country for both parents
Right now we are planning to look into Serbia first. If we can get a good match, then that would probably be the easiest to manage. If that seems to dead-end, we would probably bite the bullet financially and go with Russia, so our agency can help us. We were told that we can change the country once on the USCIS forms.
On the one hand, the Serbian orphans need families just as much as the Russian ones, so a cheaper, faster process would make it easier to bring one home and fulfill that need. On the other hand, the Russian orphans are not at fault that government regulations on both sides of the pond make it so BLIPping hard to save them. If we have the resources to help them, then why discriminate?
How do you choose which needy child(ren) to help?
Monday, June 18, 2012
Next steps
1. My husband and I are taking concrete steps towards a special needs adoption! We are discussing different options, and starting to put together documents (birth certificates etc) that we will need. We have picked an agency for our homestudy, and will be submitting the application this week.
2. I am also moving forward with my community project to educate and advocate for special needs orphans in my faith community. I have been brainstorming ideas to present to the appropriate committee, talking with decision-makers in the congregation, etc.
3. Since Father's Day has come and gone, I am moving on to other topics in Judaism. My best friend reminded me in her comment to this post that I still haven't blogged about the Amidah prayer. So tomorrow I will start!
2. I am also moving forward with my community project to educate and advocate for special needs orphans in my faith community. I have been brainstorming ideas to present to the appropriate committee, talking with decision-makers in the congregation, etc.
3. Since Father's Day has come and gone, I am moving on to other topics in Judaism. My best friend reminded me in her comment to this post that I still haven't blogged about the Amidah prayer. So tomorrow I will start!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Who are we?
We are a traditional, but not very religious Jewish family. We live in a suburb of Boston, MA. I (Galit) am a stay-at-home mom with professional experience both in software engineering and math education. My sweet husband Daniel works full-time for a well-known company. I have 3 big girls from my first marriage, the oldest one already off to college. We have 2 little boys together, and we are hoping to adopt a small child with Down syndrome from one of those places where children with disabilities rarely survive past adolescence. I am also trying to raise awareness in my community around these issues. And I love to blog about any tangentially related topics that I can think of! I hope you find my writing interesting.
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